Lapse In Concentration
by craftyns99
Summary: Thought's from Alex prior to and during Lexicon of Love
1. Summary

This is my first fan fiction so please bear with me. I had the first paragraph written for months but didn't have a character base until I recently became a Degrassi fan.

This is written in the POV of Alex but if I continue with it then who knows. This is set in season 5 before LOL and will have small references to what has been shown but might not necessarily follow the show completely.

Please let me know what you think so it will give me an idea if I should continue and how I'm doing


	2. Chapter 1

**_Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Degrassi_  
**

**Chapter 1**

Here I was with these feelings. I didn't want to have them. They're driving me crazy and I don't know how to stop. I see you standing in front of me, smiling. I smile back but I don't want to. I look down to the ground but I'm still thinking of you smiling at me. I breathe in and I breathe out. 'What should I do?' I ask myself. I look back at you and say "I'm ok, how have you been?" why did I make such a big deal about you asking how I was. I'm reading into things a bit too much. These thoughts are running circles in my head and it's giving me a constant headache. I feel uncomfortable being in your presence. I can't even admit to myself, let alone you, how I feel. Sweat starts to drip on my body and I start to stutter. I stop and bite my lip. You speak and I nod to show that I'm listening but all I can do is watch your lips. I look away and take a deep breath. I refocus my mind and listen to what you are saying.

The conversation ends and I replay, in my head, everything I should have said but didn't. The part when I tell you how much you make me laugh or how I think about you constantly, when you look at me I think you're staring into my soul.

I always seem to stop myself short from admitting the truth, to you and myself.

I can't believe how much I look forward to school and work, just because she's there. At first we would have these verbal fights, constantly in the halls. We were both so completely different. She is the captain of the Spirit Squad and the Queen of Degrassi and I was the rebel from the wrong side of the tracks. More and more I would enjoy it and look forward to it because I knew I would always have to think on my feet. She challenged me in more ways then anyone else. Lately, I would find myself doing things that I wouldn't normally do, constantly smiling, speaking in a squeaky voice. I mean who does that, who speaks in a squeaky voice, especially someone with my reputation.

At first work was a challenge, but we became friends. It was all a weird turn of events for me. I ran for school president and didn't out Marco to the whole school. I then became vice president and helped Paige get her job back. I was slowly mixing with people that I wouldn't have when I was dating Jay, but here I was, being friendly with a cheerleader and the gay president. Things were totally different now, as I actually like Paige and Marco, two people I use to argue with the most (if you don't include Emma, but there's no way in hell I'll change my mind about her).


	3. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters**_

**Chapter 2**

_It was what it was. Call it a momentary lapse in concentration, call it whatever you like. I have no words for it so why should anyone else. When I look at it now, I wouldn't say it was lapse of concentration; it's been building underneath the surface for some time now I just didn't acknowledge it or even see it for that matter. What was first a glance, turned into something much more._

I had feelings, more than friendly feelings for my friend, my FEMALE friend. I was freaked out. This was me finally admitting it to myself after months of denial. I had come to the realization of why I was so mean to Marco for being gay. I wasn't ready to admit to myself that I had feelings for people of the same sex too. In hindsight I regret my actions but I didn't know how else to act. I could never tell anyone else about this. I'm not really the kind of person to open up and speak about my feelings generally, let alone this. It's not like I can just go up to her and confess my feelings. All she goes on about is boys, boys, and more boys. It's incessantly tiresome; all she kept going on was about Matt being back. I had to go back to the old Alex for a while and picked a fight with her. It was quite funny but she didn't have the same bite back. She just told me to 'shut up'. Got her in detention still and late for her date. She also kept annoying me about colleges. Does she ever listen to anyone but herself?

She makes me feel two different emotions at the same time. She infuriates me but makes me want to be near her all the time. We got high together the other day and it's was the first day that I saw her completely relaxed, for a moment anyway. I still can't believe she had one let alone smoked it with me. She then hurt me by saying I didn't have a future. I think I was more hurt by her saying that then when Jay cheated on me with Amy. Her words stung and I couldn't get it out of my head. It didn't matter that she was right; it was the fact that she, of all people, said it. The object of my affection thinks I have no future. She should just punch me in the stomach.

* * *

I'm not sure if I'm in the mood for work, I might just pull a sickie. Don't think I can bear miss preppy bouncing about Banting. Then again my only alternative is to stay at home and listen to mum and Chad shouting at each other. Work it is.

I'm at work and she apologises to me. I can't believe she actually apologised and there was sincerity there. Let me take this moment and frame it as it kind of took me by surprise. Work was a lot better afterwards. She cut out the Banting talk and of course the Matt babble as they broke up. We joked about the customers that came in and I spoke in my squeaky voice (wtf).

The last films are showing and we've nearly finished cleaning up. I stop and lean back against the counter. She's talking but I'm not really listening to the words. I should be, maybe it's something important. I'm staring at her lips; I hope she doesn't notice this. My mind starts to wander about what it's like to kiss her. I'm not sure how long I zoned out for but I feel her hand on my arm. I felt goose bumps and my stomach had this strange feeling. She looked at me and asked if I was ok. At that moment I felt like my legs were turning to jelly. I search my brain for something to say. I bite the inside of my bottom lip and my eyes shift around as I'm still thinking. 'How lame must I be at this moment'? It then comes to me "I had a joint earlier, I'm feeling the effects of it". As soon as I said it, I kind of wished I hadn't. Way to go in trying not to have a pothead label. She folds her arms and gives me a disapproving look. "Don't judge, you didn't protest to smoking it yesterday". She opened her mouth in shock and chuckled. I rendered Paige speechless. I smirked at her and revelled in my victory. She tried to change the subject and offered me a lift, which I accepted. I wasn't going to turn down quality time, though she would have to drop me off a couple of blocks away from my place. I don't want her to se the full extent of my life. I mean, I've said some stuff, as we've become really good friends but you can't tell people everything.

We grab our stuff and venture to the car park. She smiles at me and I smile back. She gives me a look that makes me feel nervous, like she knows what I'm thinking. I really have to lay off the pot; it's making me too paranoid. We chat for bit as I look out the window. I get her to stop and I look at her, not really knowing where to focus my eyes. "Are you ok Alex?" I sigh and answer her. I thank her for the lift and she says "Anytime". I undo the seatbelt and turn to the door. As I place my hand on the handle, she places her hand on my thigh and it makes my heart skip a beat. "Alex, I know something is bothering you. If ever need to talk, then I'm always here for you."

I turn to look to back at her, give her a nervous smile "Thanks. I'll see you at school tomorrow"

* * *

I collapse in bed and stare at the ceiling. I'm not sure how long I can go through this. Maybe I'll quit school that sounds like an Alex thing to do. I go over the possible scenarios in my head. They all seem to end with the same outcome, she rejects me and I end up embarrassed and alone, as it will totally kill our friendship.

I need to stop thinking about this and get some sleep.


	4. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters**_

**Chapter 3**

_This happens around the time of The Lovecats (the mini)_

Paige and I have agreed to have lunch together in the cafeteria. I, of course am looking forward to this but with a bit of hesitation. I'm starting to get paranoid and feel that someone might realise my feelings. My main concern is that Marco has figured it out, gaydar and all.

I keep noticing little things about Paige every time I'm near her. When she gets nervous, she goes into verbal diarrhoea. I find her rambling adorable. She's totally comfortable with me and laughs a lot at my comments and seems to like my squeaky voice.

I see her queuing in the cafeteria and join her in line. I made comment about her choice of food. Usually my sarcastic comments put a smile on her face. I confess that I like watching her smile as it makes me smile too.

Comments about my arse are made by both of us and we throw food at each other. Now I know that I'm not making it up. Paige just flirted with me and I flirted back. She just might have invited me to the Kevin Smith premiere. I'm really excited about this.

Marco and Ellie join us in the queue. Once again I made a gay comment to Marco. I swear I didn't mean it. That stupid defence mechanism of mine that keeps doing it.

I kept saying that I wasn't anti gay. I'm not sure who I was trying to convince, them or myself. Either way I made a colossal fool of myself.

I think I'll avoid Ellie, Marco and Paige for the rest of the day

* * *

I have another shift at the movie theatre with Paige. I'm trying to be on my best behaviour as she wasn't impressed with me since lunch. The pleasantries were a bit awkward. I felt the need to clear the air so I did. Everything seemed to be back to normal after that, me drooling over her and she being totally oblivious to it.

A guy comes over and buys popcorn and a drink. He started flirting with me and I could see Paige was giving me encouraging gestures that I should go for it. I ignored her and just served him, with an extra scowl on my face. She asked me if I still had a thing for Jay seeing as I ignored a perfectly hot guy. Her words, not mine. This is generally the part where she annoys me. I start to give her monosyllabic answers and become more sarcastic than usual. She eventually got the message. I didn't want to be rude but it was the only way I could get her to stop.

I come to the realization that I need to have a serious talk with Paige and very soon. The thing is how do you tell the most popular, boy crazy, spirit squad leader that I Alex, girl Alex, the wrong side of the tracks Alex, fancy the pants off you. You just don't.

I guess I'm in for another night of thinking about her.


	5. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters**_

**Chapter 4**

Here are just some thoughts from Lexicon of Love 

I really have to stop making a fool of myself. Told Jay I didn't want to go to the premiere with him because I was going with Paige. Turns out she's taking Hazel, no personality, Aden. Why did I kid myself into thinking that she would take me? I've got to stop thinking that there is more to this than there really is.

She found me inside school and I decided to put my defences up. Of course she saw through it. She seems to know me better than I give her credit for. I still storm off, already not impressed with this day. I snapped at some junior that bumped into me and contemplate whether or not to go to class.

* * *

Not sure what she did but she came to class with a premiere ticket for me. I was nervous with anticipation for so many different reasons. I wondered why she made the special effort to get me a ticket. Either way I was pleased and looking forward to it.

* * *

I was high and she was my drug. She even asked if I've ever felt drunk without drinking. I couldn't stop smiling at her, looking at her, touching her. The electricity of that night was high voltage. It was at that moment when I could tell that she felt something too.

Circumstances that night, led me to Paige's house and at first I was glad that it turned out that way. I took a chance and kissed her. Surprisingly, she kissed back and then she freaked. She kissed me the next day then went on the defensive as soon as Hazel challenged her.

* * *

I showed her more vulnerability in the past couple of days than I have with anyone and look where it got me, in my flat with Jay, Chad and my mum. I walk out the door thinking that this can't really be my life. The last person I expected to be at my door was Paige but yet there she was.

The look she gave me when she said that I was everything made me feel so happy. It was then I knew that I got my girl.

* * *

_**This is as much as I wanted to do. I didn't want to take this any further because I had an idea for a Dalex story, which is now up.**_


End file.
